June 21: Christ the Redeemer

Today was the most Rio of Rio days because we finally went to see the Big Man himself: Christo Redentor, aka Christ the Redeemer, aka Grande Grande Christo. It almost didn’t happen because we got the world’s worst Uber driver who missed a turn literally one minute from our destination and had to take a 15-minute detour back, making us almost miss our allotted non-refundable ticket reservation. But thankfully, Jesus did us a solid and got us there just in time. Hallelujah.

I’m not a religious person, but I do love religious art, especially when it’s over-the-top bonkers like the Sistine Chapel or Gaudi’s Sagrada Familia Basilica. Throw in some Art Deco architecture, and I’m so there. And let me tell you, JC did not disappoint. I’m so glad I got to see it up close (well, as close as you can get to a 98-foot statue), because god damn, it was gorgeous. So sleek and clean and 1920s. The only thing he’s missing is a cigarette and a fedora.

And just in case seeing one of the Seven Wonders of the World wasn’t enough, they threw in an extra special bonus: MORE MONKEYS! Capuchins this time, and boy, were they naughty little things. At one of the snack bars, I caught, ON VIDEO, a monkey stealing a tray of fries right off somebody’s table, running off with fistfuls, and somehow making it up the tree without dropping any, and then victoriously munching while his jealous friends looked on. I have posted this for your enjoyment, so YOU’RE WELCOME.

When you get to both Sugarloaf and Christ the Redeemer, there’s a very bizarre 1983 Adventureland moment where before you can go up, they make you take a photo in front of a shitty illustrated backdrop of the thing you’re just about to go see, and of course they want you to buy the photo when you come down, like you don’t already have five thousand photos of yourself in front of the actual thing on your own damn phone. And we certainly SHALL NOT be buying your dumb photo, sir, so don’t be surprised when we only do half-assed Jesus Arms or don’t acknowledge you running after us waving said photo and lying about how good and special it is. We TOLD you to save your printer ink, but you wouldn’t listen.

Tomorrow we’ll take a ferry to Paquetá Island to stay for the night at a very special Airbnb that I’ve been excitedly waiting for. Stay tuned!